Things get worse

When I walked in the next morning I got another blow. My sons lung collapsed and they were busy putting a drainage pipe into his lungs when I walked into ICU. My heart could not cope with this at that moment in time. I burst out in tears. My sons pediatrician tried to console me but I don't think anybody could have said anything that would make me feel better at that point in time. I walked out of there with my heart dragging on the floor behind me. I feared to go back there. I stayed away for hours, dreading walking in there only to find out that my son did not make it. This was one of my worst days I had. It was also difficult being there alone and not having my husband there at that moment. I phoned him and he came immediately. Nothing helped me to feel better that day. Now I wanted to touch him less than before, scared to cause him more pain. My son held on and kept fighting for his life through all the pain he had to go through. He is my little miracle given to me not once or twice but several times. I hate to think about all the times I almost lost him and thank God that He gave him back to me over and over. We did not take any pictures while the pipe was in his lungs because that was not a memory that I wanted to have.

The day we met

When I saw my son laying in ICU it was worse than I could ever have imagined. There were drips and drips and lines and monitors and lines and alarms. Then we are not even talking about the Ventilator and Feeding tube in his nose. My heart bled when I saw my son lying there. Weighing in at 2.2kg (1 pound) (which is a very good weight for a prem). There were 2 lines coming from his umbilical cord, one they used to draw blood for the Blood gas panels that they did every 6 hours. A temperature monitor was stuck on his breast; it was a little golden heart. He was less than 24 hours old and he was already getting drugs like you would not believe. They also had to give him surfactant for his lungs - 2 vials which carried a cost of about ZAR11 000 (+- $1 100). He was getting stuff that helped to regulate his heart beat and God knows what else. He had the most peculiar shakes and movements. He was just skin and bones. When he was struggling to breathe his stomach would jerk. It was very scary when I first saw it. His hands had a piece of plaster on and were pinned to his blanket to stop him from pulling out the ventilator and other lines. He was the smallest little miracle I have ever received. I will tell you more about this on another day. It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.