When I walked in the next morning I got another blow. My sons lung collapsed and they were busy putting a drainage pipe into his lungs when I walked into ICU. My heart could not cope with this at that moment in time. I burst out in tears. My sons pediatrician tried to console me but I don't think anybody could have said anything that would make me feel better at that point in time. I walked out of there with my heart dragging on the floor behind me. I feared to go back there. I stayed away for hours, dreading walking in there only to find out that my son did not make it. This was one of my worst days I had. It was also difficult being there alone and not having my husband there at that moment. I phoned him and he came immediately. Nothing helped me to feel better that day. Now I wanted to touch him less than before, scared to cause him more pain. My son held on and kept fighting for his life through all the pain he had to go through. He is my little miracle given to me not once or twice but several times. I hate to think about all the times I almost lost him and thank God that He gave him back to me over and over. We did not take any pictures while the pipe was in his lungs because that was not a memory that I wanted to have.
It is so hard when you have days like this in the NICU. I don't think anyone really understands unless they have been there before either. When you wrote your heart was dragging behind you I knew just what you meant!
ReplyDeleteSome days my chest was so tight I wasn't sure I could keep breathing. Our daughter Airlie had her fair share of complications and was small too but luckily enough we go through it with the great support of the doctors and nurses.
I spent a fair bit of time in the NICU by myself also as the world won't stop spinning just because you have had a premmie baby. Hubby had to go back to work 4 hours away and we had moved during the time of our daughter being born premature so he was still unpacking the house. Hubby also had to work, take care of our then 5 year old son who was starting kindergarten and run the house hold. Its tough all around really isn't it. All I wanted was for him to be by my side and he couldn't! Each and ever day we spoke on the phone several times a day if Airlie or I were having a bad day and that helped but it wasn't the same as having him by my side.
Thinking of you
Fee x